My Achey Breaky Heart

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKQpRgxyyqo

Come on, you know you love it. I can see you dancing on your chair. " Don't break my heart my achy breaky heart, I just don't think it will under stand!" Okay, enough already !!!

What I am trying to segway into is, even though my heart seems to be born to be broken, not wild. I have a bigger problem. I do not speak often about my other health issues. I know they play an overall role, but by them self they are mildly life threatening. However, one is not. My heart. I started having problems with my heart back when I was in the Navy. I ended up getting a double coronary bi-pass in 1998. Other than a few stents over the years, I have been okay. In fact I felt so okay, it was barley an after thought when I was diagnosed with Kidney Cancer, otherwise no as Renal cancer. So anyway, back to the story.

In October of 2010, I had a heart attack. That is really when the you know what starting hitting the fan. They told me  I need another bi-pass, however there were complications this time. In any case having a second by-pass surgery is more risky. The heart can grow into the breast bone leading to a possible cut heart. Also since there is cancer in my lungs, it can make the cancer worse. I was informed by the surgeon and my cardiologist, that I have less then 50% chance of survival and the recovery would be much more painful than my first one, and I would have no use of either hand for about three months. He told me the only real option is for me to eat healthy, try to control the pain, and go live my life the best I can.

So now the last two weeks I have been getting chest pains. They seem somewhat random, but they are there. About five times a day right now. I have nitro but hate to take it because it gives me such a head ache that I might be better off with the chest pains. I have also developed a bad cough. Its bad enough that I am pretty sure I broke at least one more rib, but again...nothing can be done, it is part of the disease. For the first time a few nights ago, in the middle of the night. The chest pain was so intense I prayed for God to get it over with. I don't want to lose my independence or mobility. That was scares me more than dieing.

So the dilemma becomes, what do I do?  I know they can not operate, I know they will give me morphine to kill the pain, But what more can they do? If I let them operate the chances are better than not, that I will die on the table. If I go into the hospital they are going to hook me up to electronics, like a beat up car in a car dealer's auto shop. That and they will keep me at least over night for observation, and a few more nights for the doctors to pull their heads out of their ass! All for what? To be sent home and just wait for the big one? I feel like Fred Stanford must have felt when he is talking about the big one.

So I ask for your prayers and some understanding when I maybe get emotional and say things I later regret. I know I have lost at least one friend for that very reason. I don't want to lose any more.

Jim