02-23-11

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKQpRgxyyqo

 Sorry I have not posted anything for the last few days. I have had some good news though. I have an appointment with the VA Hospital in Dallas for Oncology and Cardiology. It also looks like I found a place to live in San Diego that will work out very well. Thank you Mike for coming through for me. I have been feeling physically very good, emotionally, its a roller coaster. I only took two pain pills all day yesterday and none at all today.

I have a depression that is filling my heart tonight. I have no right to. Everyone has been so kind to me. It seems my knack for blowing friendships and matters of the heart continues to plague me. I wish I could just get on my bike and ride. Ride away from medical problems, ride away from loneliness, and ride away from bills, just ride till my time runs out. I'm sure God must ride too. Can you imagine what his bike looks like? I can't wait to ride in his formation.
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNBEiyGwGRc
While my Guitar gently weeps.

VA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKQpRgxyyqo


Hi Friends,
I went to the VA today and it looks like they are going to cover me on all my medical conditions. This is such great news. I hurt my back a little on my motorcycle. Hit a dip at 50 mph and tweaked my back just a bit. It was cool being airborne for a few seconds. Good night my friends. I miss you.

Get Back up Again

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKQpRgxyyqo

I don't have much to say today that would be constructive. I thought I would share one of my favorite songs instead.


 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zrv0kF2zZfA
Toby Man "Get Back up Again"

You turned away when I looked you in the eye,
And hesitated when I asked if you were alright,
Seems like you're fighting for you life,
But why? oh why?
Wide awake in the middle of your nightmare,
You saw it comin' but it hit you outta no where,
And theres always scars
When you fall back far

We lose our way,
We get back up again
It's never too late to get back up again,
One day you will shine again,
You may be knocked down,
But not out forever,
Lose our way,
We get back up again,
So get up, get up,
You gonna shine again,
Never too late to get back up again,
You may be knocked down,
But not out forever
(May be knocked down but not out forever)

You're rolled out at the dawning of the day
Heart racin' as you made you little get away,
It feels like you've been runnin' all your life
But, why? Oh why?

So you've pulled away from the love that would've been there,
You start believin' that your situation's unfair

But there's always scars,
When you fall back far

We lose our way,
We get back up again
Never too late to get back up again,
One day, you gonna shine again,
You may be knocked down but not out forever,
Lose our way, we get back up again,
So get up, get up
You gonna shine again
It's never too late, to get back up again
You may be knocked down, but not out forever,
May be knocked down, but not out forever!

This is love callin', love callin', out to the broken,
This is love callin'.
This is love callin', love callin', out to the broken
This is love callin'.
This is love callin', love callin',
I am so broken
This is love callin' love callin

Lose our way, (way way way ay ay ay)
We get back up, (get back up again)
It's never too late (late late late ate ate ate)
You may be knocked down but not out forever!

Lose our way,
We get back up again,
So get up get up
You gonna shine again
Never too late to get back up again
You may be knocked down,
But not out forever,

This is love (lose our way) callin' love callin' (get back up again)
To the broken
This is love (never too late) callin'
(may be knocked down but not out forever)
This is love (lose our way) callin' love callin' (we get back up again)
To the broken
This is love (never too late) callin'
(may be knocked down but not out forever)

This is love callin' love callin'
Out to the broken,
This is love callin'....

Gmail

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKQpRgxyyqo

Hi Friends, I have heard many people say they cannot leave comments. I think you have to create a gmail user name first. Also I did not know all the responses were going to my gmail account. I have corrected that.

The Day After

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKQpRgxyyqo

So it's the day after Valentines day, and I survived. Not without my own screw ups for better or worse. I think this time I screwed up on purpose just to force the issue. Sometimes the things we want most for ourselves are the worst things for us.

So I picked myself up, brushed off the dust, and know that God has more for me to learn and do. I ask God almost every day....Whats the deal? Why can't I see the big picture? By all rights, I should be dead right now. God, however must have a reason for keeping me alive. I really don't know what that is. I can guess or speculate, but no more.

Here are the lyrics to a  song I love and now has special meaning. I guess I just want to be remembered by the ones I love and that they know how much it meant to me to have them in my life. There is one person who has put up with more of my whining and crying than anyone should ever have to put up with, and that is my good friend Susie. Also Darlene has been and Angel, and of course Robin has my respect and although it is unlikely we will ever talk or see each other again, there will always be a special place for you in my heart.

As I look at the valleys down below
They are green just as far as I can see
As my memories return, oh how my heart did yearn
For you and the days that used to be 
 
High on a mountain top, standing all alone
Wondering where the years of my life have flown
High on a mountaintop, wind blowing free
Thinking about the days that used to be
Well, I wonder if you ever think of me
Or has time erased your memory
As I listen to the breeze whisper gently through the trees
I wonder if you ever think of me

High on a mountain top, standing all alone
Wondering where the years of my life have flown
High on a mountaintop, wind blowing free
Thinking about the days that used to be
High on a mountain top, standing all alone
Wondering where the years of my life have flown
High on a mountaintop, wind blowing free
Thinking about the days that used to be

High on a mountain top
Thinking about the days that used to be
And I wonder if you ever think of me
 

High on the Mountain Top.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKQpRgxyyqo

I wanted to share this song with you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxwtTNk6NlQ 

Some days are just better than others

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKQpRgxyyqo

Hi Friends,
You ever have one of those days when you just feel like the world is against you. I have been having a few days like that. I'm sure allot of it is because Valentines day, and although I know I am loved, I still feel very much alone.



I also have a cold slap in the face when I realized my kids no longer need me. I know everyone says thats not true, but I think they would get along just fine without me. They have their significant others, and their life revolves around them. I am just Dad. Thats fine. I understand, its just a little depressing.

I don't know where I am going to live. My son has invited me to live with him and his uncle in San Diego. I love San Diego and San Diego is where my son and daughter are headed. In a way I want to stay in Texas because I still have a son here, but he lives with his Aunt and Uncle, and I have become involved in my church and my friends there are helping get right with God. I feel loved more there and everyone is so kind. But I hate the weather here and I miss the mountains and the beach. I also am dating someone if you can call it that. She had a stroke a few weeks after we started dating and have not gone out since last August. Our dates are me going over to her house and watching movies until her pain gets too bad and she has to go to bed. I also have a very good friend who lives near Dallas, about 82 miles away. We are just friends but I feel it could be more if we did not live so far apart. Then there is Oregon where the vast majority of my friends live, as well as my sister and her family. If I move to Portland, the weather would suck, and I would have to live on my own. There is a woman who is part of the old neighborhood as kids. We just recently started to talk and I like her.

Right now I feel pretty good and besides doing heavy lifting, I am okay. But one of the problems with my health issues is I feel a little better every day. This seems to astonish the doctors because they are shocked to hear this. In fact the guy who took my X-Ray of my chest last week asked be with mouth agape, "How long did they tell you you have to live?" They are amazed and not thrilled with me riding my motorcycle, but that seems to be the only joy I have left in my life. I have many friends, but none really in Texas. I know allot of people, but that does not make us friends.

I know I keep talking about time in this blog. How much time? If I go by what the doctors tell me and the little body language and voice tone I pick up from them, I don't have very much time at all. if I listen to my body, I am getting better. Hell, I don't know if I will live till the end of the month. I just pray it happens fast. I know it is wrong but I have started to ask God to take me. Why is he making me suffer through loneliness and pain.

My health insurance is now officially gone. I had a MRI scheduled for tomorrow that was canceled by the hospital because I have no way to pay for it. They gave me a bunch of numbers and organizations to call, but whats the point. Unless God grants me a miracle...just a matter of time. I do have an application I am filling out for COBRA, but they are way too expensive. I have also filed for Social Security, but who knows how long that will take. I do have a foot in the door at the VA but right now they are only going to treat me for my heart, not the cancer and all the other medications I have to take.

So here is the latest on my health report. Cancer in Ribs, Lungs, Backbone, both legs, and right hip.I have two working arteries in my heart. Can you understand why I am so confused and depressed. Right now my motorcycle is my only joy in life. When and if I get to the point where I can no longer ride, weather I am breathing or not, my life is over.

For my real friends who care about me, I am sorry to be so blunt and mournful. If you don't really know me but are reading this blog, I hope it helps you find your own walk with God. If you too have cancer or are dieing from something else, I hope you find comfort or knowledge from my experiences. I am going to keep doing this blog as long as I can. I think I need to stay off of facebook some. I only get depressed when I think about lost friends and lost opportunities.

Jim Hall

Rantings of a Mad Man or How I Survived the War

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKQpRgxyyqo

For any of you that don't know, I have terminal cancer. I'm going to live life the best I can. Forgive me if I get emotional or say things that may offend you.

This is me. take me or leave me. If I look at someones profile pics its because I care about that person and wonder how they are. If I send you a message its because I like you and I want to be your friend. I don't have to prove myself to anyone but God.

 If I am to far out there, I'm. sorry I don't fit smoothly in your life. I'm a good and loyal friend, but I wont be here forever.

Peace, Love, and all that good crap!

VA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKQpRgxyyqo

Hi Friends,
I at last have an appointment with a VA Doctor this week.
I also have a appointment with my Oncologist, DR. Kumar. Today is like two weeks since I have used my cane I have not taken a pain pill since 3:00 AM. I'm not saying there is no pain. Call me strange but sometimes I like to feel the pain. It reminds me what is real. If I never feel the pain, I never know I am sick/ I don't want to just cover it up with some pain pills.

Snow Job

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKQpRgxyyqo

Hi Friends,

I have not made any posts for a few days. I guess that is a good thing. I had an appointment with Dr. Kumar but missed it with all of the snow and ice. I did reschedule the appointment but her nurse seemed surprised I was feeling okay. I hate when they do that. I also am waiting for my appointment with the VA to be rescheduled because of the snow.

You know, I keep telling people this is like a dream of some kind. I am too healthy to be this sick? I DON”T FEEL SICK! AT ALL! Thats what makes this so darn hard to except the facts.

 I have no gauge? I don't know if it is a curse or a blessing. If I had not been warned that the odds are against me, I would not be taking care of all this paper work and working on getting all my things in order. It seems so unreal though. I guess another challenge for me is accepting the fact that if the doctors are right, I will sooner or later lose my independence. I can still do pretty much everything I could due, with moderation and modifications. I cannot imagine not being able to walk, or get out of bed by myself. I can’t imagine having to wear an oxygen mask. I have too much living yet to do. I still have aerobics to do, weights to lift, and beautiful woman to look at, and my bike to ride. 

I have to fight the despair that comes in out from nowhere. I have to remember that even though I cannot see the Lord, I know he is walking with me. I have to remember that I am loved and have so many friends praying for me and helping me look at the glass as half full.

There are people in my life I would really like to point out but I don't think it would be appropriate, or welcomed. However, I have to give thanks to them. I am sure you know who you are. Love and friendship is all about wanting your friends to be happy. And in the great words of Forrest Gump, “Thats about all I got to say about that.”

So its 10:00 AM, The sky is blue, the dogs are chasing tree squirrels through the snow. The birds are chirping, Life looks pretty happy from my back window. I pray you all find your happiness today.

Your friend,

Jim

Prop Me Up Besides the JukeBox When I Die.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKQpRgxyyqo


Hi Friends, I had this song pop into my mind and wanted to post the link for the video. If you all can work out something like that, I would be very grateful. :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjjrnNuZuPk


Well I ain't afraid of dyin', it's the thought of being dead
I wanna go on being me once my eulogy's been read
Don't spread my ashes out to sea, don't lay me down to rest
You can put my mind at ease if you fulfill my last request

Prop me up beside the jukebox if I die
Lord, I wanna go to heaven but I don't wanna go tonight
Fill my boots up with sand, put a stiff drink in my hand
Prop me up beside the jukebox if I die

Just let my headstone be a neon sign
Let it burn in mem'ry of all of my good times
Fix me up with a manequin, just remember I like blondes
I'll be the life of the party even when I'm dead and gone

Prop me up beside the jukebox if I die
Lord, I wanna go to heaven but I don't wanna go tonight
Fill my boots up with sand, put a stiff drink in my hand
Prop me up beside the jukebox if I die

Just make your next selection and while your still in line
You can pay you last respects one quarter at a time

Prop me up beside the jukebox if I die
Lord, I wanna go to heaven but I don't wanna go tonight
Fill my boots up with sand, put a stiff drink in my hand
Prop me up beside the jukebox if I die

Oh, prop me up beside the jukebox if I die

Your Beautiful

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKQpRgxyyqo


It looks like God just gave us a little tease of spring last weekend. Its back to the cold and dampness of Winter. I have to spend most of the day in the garage working on my bike. Good news for my heart. I did not have a single episode of chest pain and my legs feel pretty good today .

 I want to share this video. Its called you are Beautiful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7C2o0jHNRuU