Some days are just better than others

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKQpRgxyyqo

Hi Friends,
You ever have one of those days when you just feel like the world is against you. I have been having a few days like that. I'm sure allot of it is because Valentines day, and although I know I am loved, I still feel very much alone.



I also have a cold slap in the face when I realized my kids no longer need me. I know everyone says thats not true, but I think they would get along just fine without me. They have their significant others, and their life revolves around them. I am just Dad. Thats fine. I understand, its just a little depressing.

I don't know where I am going to live. My son has invited me to live with him and his uncle in San Diego. I love San Diego and San Diego is where my son and daughter are headed. In a way I want to stay in Texas because I still have a son here, but he lives with his Aunt and Uncle, and I have become involved in my church and my friends there are helping get right with God. I feel loved more there and everyone is so kind. But I hate the weather here and I miss the mountains and the beach. I also am dating someone if you can call it that. She had a stroke a few weeks after we started dating and have not gone out since last August. Our dates are me going over to her house and watching movies until her pain gets too bad and she has to go to bed. I also have a very good friend who lives near Dallas, about 82 miles away. We are just friends but I feel it could be more if we did not live so far apart. Then there is Oregon where the vast majority of my friends live, as well as my sister and her family. If I move to Portland, the weather would suck, and I would have to live on my own. There is a woman who is part of the old neighborhood as kids. We just recently started to talk and I like her.

Right now I feel pretty good and besides doing heavy lifting, I am okay. But one of the problems with my health issues is I feel a little better every day. This seems to astonish the doctors because they are shocked to hear this. In fact the guy who took my X-Ray of my chest last week asked be with mouth agape, "How long did they tell you you have to live?" They are amazed and not thrilled with me riding my motorcycle, but that seems to be the only joy I have left in my life. I have many friends, but none really in Texas. I know allot of people, but that does not make us friends.

I know I keep talking about time in this blog. How much time? If I go by what the doctors tell me and the little body language and voice tone I pick up from them, I don't have very much time at all. if I listen to my body, I am getting better. Hell, I don't know if I will live till the end of the month. I just pray it happens fast. I know it is wrong but I have started to ask God to take me. Why is he making me suffer through loneliness and pain.

My health insurance is now officially gone. I had a MRI scheduled for tomorrow that was canceled by the hospital because I have no way to pay for it. They gave me a bunch of numbers and organizations to call, but whats the point. Unless God grants me a miracle...just a matter of time. I do have an application I am filling out for COBRA, but they are way too expensive. I have also filed for Social Security, but who knows how long that will take. I do have a foot in the door at the VA but right now they are only going to treat me for my heart, not the cancer and all the other medications I have to take.

So here is the latest on my health report. Cancer in Ribs, Lungs, Backbone, both legs, and right hip.I have two working arteries in my heart. Can you understand why I am so confused and depressed. Right now my motorcycle is my only joy in life. When and if I get to the point where I can no longer ride, weather I am breathing or not, my life is over.

For my real friends who care about me, I am sorry to be so blunt and mournful. If you don't really know me but are reading this blog, I hope it helps you find your own walk with God. If you too have cancer or are dieing from something else, I hope you find comfort or knowledge from my experiences. I am going to keep doing this blog as long as I can. I think I need to stay off of facebook some. I only get depressed when I think about lost friends and lost opportunities.

Jim Hall